Stagnation VS. Progress

Stagnation sucks the life right out of me. It is the ABSOLUTELY most, tired, obnoxious, ignorant, and well, life sucking place to be stuck in. To be standing still on this earth and to be content with the ordinary of mind, a mundane existence, and a soul-searching status-quo is something that makes my skin crawl.

And, it was once my mantra...this I only recently became aware of.

Lately, well I guess in the last few months, I have seen where I have allowed myself to be content and accepting of so many things about myself and my life; none of these things do I think are good, I might add. I have seen where I have marinated in heartache. Where I have spent a shameful amount of time re-living my past; trying to make sense of it. I have seen myself wanting so badly to move forward, just to find myself 3 steps back in the wrong direction.

My mind....it has been dangerous.

This has previously been my weapon of choice. It has been my downfall and has allowed the enemy to invade so freely. It has confused me and kept me out of reality, so unaware of my blessings...almost, frustrated with God and my lack of understanding about my life. But why now? Where has this clarity from God come from?

I have been struggling with this answer for a few weeks now, and I think I am scratching the surface on the answer's great reveal....

My leg has been cut off, yes, that's it. My leg is missing. God helped me segregate it from my body.

This "leg" analogy was said to me by someone a while back, and although it was used in regard to one particular aspect of my life, I feel it applies to many of them.

Let me go back for a second....9 months ago my life, well, lets just say it was about as opposite as it could possibly be from it's current status. Given this, I must be honest in saying that the past 9 months have felt like "the deconstruction and rebuilding of Jessica." Never in my life (all 21 years of it) have so many things changed and been pulled out from under me in a given, and sequential, period of time.

In 9 months:
I have LOST tradition, security, relationships, friendships, housing, jobs, identity, self-respect and ideas.

I have GAINED tradition, security, relationships, friendships, housing, jobs, identity, self-respect and ideas.

My general paradigm of life, and my role in it, has been ROCKED to the core.

Now, I recognize that everyone goes through these kinds of changes in life. I assert that I am not alone and that I shall win no prize for hard-times. Nor, do I think I should. What I am expressing is, in essence, my belief in the idea that stagnation will manifest into the decay of the human spirit. I am also expressing my newfound joy and vulnerability to this idea of a severed leg. Though, it DID hurt at first.

My life has been turned upside down, yes... and I do not want it rewind in any way. I have seen evidence of my faith, in that God always has something better for you waiting on the other side( I would advise not saying this to someone when they are ripe in their moment crisis and/or panic. Unless of course , you have a desire to get hit in the face). He has shown me how out of control I really am, and how arrogant and ignorant I have been to think that I can dictate His will. I have been shown the season's of relationships. I have had stare-downs with my self-value and self-worth. I have had to re-evaluate what behaviors I accept, from myself and others....and praise be to Him, I am still learning.

So when I think about my missing leg all I can say is, "Farewell!" I can truly say that life without it has been richer, harder, more full, more broken, stronger, weaker, heartbroken, healed, questioned and certain. Life without that ol' leg of mine has been AUTHENTIC, TRUE and PASSIONATE. I prefer all of the pain that comes with being de-activated from the "coast" setting, to the ignorant bliss I thought I had from my normal 50 mph.

My leg...well, I miss it not.

Progress:1 Stagnation:0

Matthew 18:7-9
7"Woe to the world because of the things that cause people to sin! Such things must come, but woe to the man through whom they come! 8If your hand or your foot causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life maimed or crippled than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown into eternal fire. 9And if your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into the fire of hell.