Gray Hope

How is it that we are so lost? On an uncertain path with little regard or care for the direction we are headed...
We are so focused and absorbed by our hurtful past, unseen future, and general mental handcuffs that we fail time and again to be "present" in the present. We take little time to nuture who we are today, how to change today, how to be better today. Thus, causing us to find ourselves in a constant pattern in our daily lives. A pattern that involves us being rained on and imprisoned by the overwhelming tasks of our reality.
Have you ever felt the paralyzing state of fear that is so numbing it is all you can do to simply take a breath, only to find that even that requires too much bravery? If you know this feeling, then you know exactly what I am talking about. I recently found myself in this place, hoping to escape from my remembered past and unknown future. Hopeful that for a moment I could sleep away any sense of pain and not have to face it. I found myself so caught in every aspect of my existance... except for the present moment and location of it.
Wondering where this came from I graduated into a place of emotional purging. I realized that there were so many things from my past that I have never grieved or truly "dealt" with. All of these things holding me hostage in fear.
I have for too long been crippled and held prisoner by my hearts heaviness and uncertainty. Thus, perpetuating ways and ideas that I know are toxic to my spirit. I have not been taking resposnsiblility for the letting go of my heart's resentment. I have not been asking for the healing and forgiveness that can only be given by God's love for me.
Through beginning to seek Him more actively, I am feeling and seeing a glimmer of focus. I am optimistic that with great purpose and faith I can start this new path. A path paved by God's forgiveness, love, and acceptance and free from aggression, control and resentment. I want too badly to see all that my Father has in store for everyday to allow myself to stay frozen in my past or intimidated by my future... no matter how scary it is. I am walking away from my heart and mind's black and white fear and into the gray hope.