Stagnation sucks the life right out of me. It is the ABSOLUTELY most, tired, obnoxious, ignorant, and well, life sucking place to be stuck in. To be standing still on this earth and to be content with the ordinary of mind, a mundane existence, and a soul-searching status-quo is something that makes my skin crawl.
And, it was once my mantra...this I only recently became aware of.
Lately, well I guess in the last few months, I have seen where I have allowed myself to be content and accepting of so many things about myself and my life; none of these things do I think are good, I might add. I have seen where I have marinated in heartache. Where I have spent a shameful amount of time re-living my past; trying to make sense of it. I have seen myself wanting so badly to move forward, just to find myself 3 steps back in the wrong direction.
My mind....it has been dangerous.
This has previously been my weapon of choice. It has been my downfall and has allowed the enemy to invade so freely. It has confused me and kept me out of reality, so unaware of my blessings...almost, frustrated with God and my lack of understanding about my life. But why now? Where has this clarity from God come from?
I have been struggling with this answer for a few weeks now, and I think I am scratching the surface on the answer's great reveal....
My leg has been cut off, yes, that's it. My leg is missing. God helped me segregate it from my body.
This "leg" analogy was said to me by someone a while back, and although it was used in regard to one particular aspect of my life, I feel it applies to many of them.
Let me go back for a second....9 months ago my life, well, lets just say it was about as opposite as it could possibly be from it's current status. Given this, I must be honest in saying that the past 9 months have felt like "the deconstruction and rebuilding of Jessica." Never in my life (all 21 years of it) have so many things changed and been pulled out from under me in a given, and sequential, period of time.
In 9 months:
I have LOST tradition, security, relationships, friendships, housing, jobs, identity, self-respect and ideas.
I have GAINED tradition, security, relationships, friendships, housing, jobs, identity, self-respect and ideas.
My general paradigm of life, and my role in it, has been ROCKED to the core.
Now, I recognize that everyone goes through these kinds of changes in life. I assert that I am not alone and that I shall win no prize for hard-times. Nor, do I think I should. What I am expressing is, in essence, my belief in the idea that stagnation will manifest into the decay of the human spirit. I am also expressing my newfound joy and vulnerability to this idea of a severed leg. Though, it DID hurt at first.
My life has been turned upside down, yes... and I do not want it rewind in any way. I have seen evidence of my faith, in that God always has something better for you waiting on the other side( I would advise not saying this to someone when they are ripe in their moment crisis and/or panic. Unless of course , you have a desire to get hit in the face). He has shown me how out of control I really am, and how arrogant and ignorant I have been to think that I can dictate His will. I have been shown the season's of relationships. I have had stare-downs with my self-value and self-worth. I have had to re-evaluate what behaviors I accept, from myself and others....and praise be to Him, I am still learning.
So when I think about my missing leg all I can say is, "Farewell!" I can truly say that life without it has been richer, harder, more full, more broken, stronger, weaker, heartbroken, healed, questioned and certain. Life without that ol' leg of mine has been AUTHENTIC, TRUE and PASSIONATE. I prefer all of the pain that comes with being de-activated from the "coast" setting, to the ignorant bliss I thought I had from my normal 50 mph.
My leg...well, I miss it not.
Progress:1 Stagnation:0
Matthew 18:7-9
7"Woe to the world because of the things that cause people to sin! Such things must come, but woe to the man through whom they come! 8If your hand or your foot causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life maimed or crippled than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown into eternal fire. 9And if your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into the fire of hell.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
MORE PLEASE!
This has to CHANGE...we are not isolated unto ourselves and our (very) little world of Sugar Land...Houston...Texas... THE UNITED STATES. So many things have occured in my life in recent months, making me realize this concept and grow with disgust of our consumption, mindsets, and general selfishness as an American culture.
When you realize that 1.2B people in the world live on less than one dollar a day, and American’s will spend $5 dollars a day on our venti-nonfat-no whip-sugar free- vanilla latte from Starbucks, it is easy to realize where my suffocation with our habits has formed from. First of all, lets make it clear; I love my country, I love a splurge every once and a while...and I also see the error of my often overly consuming and selfish ways.
I came back from Piedras Negras, Mexico a couple of weeks ago, and I have never felt more convicted of my habits. To be in a country having so much less than we do in a material sense, yet having so much more than we in every other way, is truly humbling. During my time in Mexico I noticed a sense of community, a sense of family, gratefulness for sheer neccesities met, giving spirits and a sense of unjaded vulnerablilty in interaction I’ve never experienced before...even within my own family at times.
All of this was a shock to my system seeing as I have NEVER been outside of my own comfort zone. Suddenly, "stuff" just didn’t seem that important. I asked myself, "Why do I need to go shopping for clothes once a week? Do I really need to drive that much? Why I am questing for MORE money all of the time?" Then I realized, "Oh yeah, I am American. It is our culture." Shame on us. We work so hard for empty items, stress so much, and don’t share our blessings with the less fortunate, enough.
We need to gain information, go out and search, open our minds, give of ourselves more. Our world can not keep on this path. A path filled with trying to gain more for only ourselves and our country; yet regarding the rest of the world and all the rest of GOD’s people with little care or concern. We must stop with phrases like, " If they don’t like it, they can go back to their country!" And honestly, I if I see one more rebel flag bumper sticker on a car , I will surely FREAK out!
This is not what it is about...isolation, pride beyond grace, prejudices, self-serving attitudes or having MORE. This life is about simplicity in CHRIST,a desire to live for HIM, shared blessings, tolerance and a love for others beyond politics or income. Do not be guilded in this world. For none of us are beyond, poverty, pain, lack of faith or suffering. Slow down, breathe, quit working so hard for hollow things...I will take my own advice.
J
Check out this video...a little intense, but should be seen:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=PTc_FoELt8s
When you realize that 1.2B people in the world live on less than one dollar a day, and American’s will spend $5 dollars a day on our venti-nonfat-no whip-sugar free- vanilla latte from Starbucks, it is easy to realize where my suffocation with our habits has formed from. First of all, lets make it clear; I love my country, I love a splurge every once and a while...and I also see the error of my often overly consuming and selfish ways.
I came back from Piedras Negras, Mexico a couple of weeks ago, and I have never felt more convicted of my habits. To be in a country having so much less than we do in a material sense, yet having so much more than we in every other way, is truly humbling. During my time in Mexico I noticed a sense of community, a sense of family, gratefulness for sheer neccesities met, giving spirits and a sense of unjaded vulnerablilty in interaction I’ve never experienced before...even within my own family at times.
All of this was a shock to my system seeing as I have NEVER been outside of my own comfort zone. Suddenly, "stuff" just didn’t seem that important. I asked myself, "Why do I need to go shopping for clothes once a week? Do I really need to drive that much? Why I am questing for MORE money all of the time?" Then I realized, "Oh yeah, I am American. It is our culture." Shame on us. We work so hard for empty items, stress so much, and don’t share our blessings with the less fortunate, enough.
We need to gain information, go out and search, open our minds, give of ourselves more. Our world can not keep on this path. A path filled with trying to gain more for only ourselves and our country; yet regarding the rest of the world and all the rest of GOD’s people with little care or concern. We must stop with phrases like, " If they don’t like it, they can go back to their country!" And honestly, I if I see one more rebel flag bumper sticker on a car , I will surely FREAK out!
This is not what it is about...isolation, pride beyond grace, prejudices, self-serving attitudes or having MORE. This life is about simplicity in CHRIST,a desire to live for HIM, shared blessings, tolerance and a love for others beyond politics or income. Do not be guilded in this world. For none of us are beyond, poverty, pain, lack of faith or suffering. Slow down, breathe, quit working so hard for hollow things...I will take my own advice.
J
Check out this video...a little intense, but should be seen:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=PTc_FoELt8s
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Hazy is the vision through the storm
Confusion plagued by beaming rays of light
No shield large enough to offer relief
Still, you go gently; cautious with a weary heart
Beauty is the reflection in the mirage of clarity
As you fill up your being with the desires of the other
Treading with ethereal confidence in the safety you reside
The waves blow up and take you under with the swell
You will swim forever in the odyssey of hope
Kept safe in the clear sight of the selfless
~~ You may never know the beauty that you radiate, but it burns brightly into the souls lucky with recognition. You are a cross with a yellow rose, you are the quiet one...who you just have to get to know.
Love- J
Confusion plagued by beaming rays of light
No shield large enough to offer relief
Still, you go gently; cautious with a weary heart
Beauty is the reflection in the mirage of clarity
As you fill up your being with the desires of the other
Treading with ethereal confidence in the safety you reside
The waves blow up and take you under with the swell
You will swim forever in the odyssey of hope
Kept safe in the clear sight of the selfless
~~ You may never know the beauty that you radiate, but it burns brightly into the souls lucky with recognition. You are a cross with a yellow rose, you are the quiet one...who you just have to get to know.
Love- J
I do it for LOVE
After many months of only having passion for writing blogs about the tragedies and depressions of my life, I have recently started to become engaged in my blessings (through taking responsibility for my own self-inflicted crap, of course). I am so thankful to see the silver lining and come out of the other side of my "victim" choke-hold...
Such is why I am writing this; as a labor of love to the people in my life who are so valued, who hold/held me accountable, and whom I could not have been inspired to grow without. I believe that with God and His desires for my life, I have been given gifts of friendship that I have never experienced before. I am thankful for every single person who has rallied around me these past few months...thank you for showing me what I have been too stubborn to see before; acceptance, loyalty, patience, and unconditional love....It is amazing what can happen when you LET IT GO and give it up to Him! I love you all so much...you know who you are <3
-Jess
Such is why I am writing this; as a labor of love to the people in my life who are so valued, who hold/held me accountable, and whom I could not have been inspired to grow without. I believe that with God and His desires for my life, I have been given gifts of friendship that I have never experienced before. I am thankful for every single person who has rallied around me these past few months...thank you for showing me what I have been too stubborn to see before; acceptance, loyalty, patience, and unconditional love....It is amazing what can happen when you LET IT GO and give it up to Him! I love you all so much...you know who you are <3
-Jess
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
The Melody of Thorns
I hear the voice, my beautiful enigma.
He is calling out to me, as his melody echoes in my heart.
He wants to show me something beautifully unfamiliar.
I cling to desperate hope.
Drawing closer with the innocence of the un-jaded,
I see the light that casts upon his face.
A light that masks what most fail to invision;
A glow of transparency that brings forth a humble heart .
Beyond it, a soul longing for release from earth's grip.
Before it, a soul broken by its release.
Our whisper of contact is something that will cause pain with the fall...
For His blessing has just escaped with the thorn in my flesh.
~To everything that is my Songbird...this is my cry...Please hear my voice.
He is calling out to me, as his melody echoes in my heart.
He wants to show me something beautifully unfamiliar.
I cling to desperate hope.
Drawing closer with the innocence of the un-jaded,
I see the light that casts upon his face.
A light that masks what most fail to invision;
A glow of transparency that brings forth a humble heart .
Beyond it, a soul longing for release from earth's grip.
Before it, a soul broken by its release.
Our whisper of contact is something that will cause pain with the fall...
For His blessing has just escaped with the thorn in my flesh.
~To everything that is my Songbird...this is my cry...Please hear my voice.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Without Walls Lies a Burning Light
I am sitting here, alone in a room, wondering what it all means. I keep finding myself at this cross-road of discovery and teaching...
I can't shake this feeling that God is relentlessly trying to show me something specific. No matter where I run (yes,I have tried), He keeps the picture right in front of my face, only I can't figure out the image. It is like one of those pictures therapists show you, ya know, " what does this look like to you." It has no right or wrong answer, but I feel like this picture does. It is an unwaivering riddle of imagery that will not give up.
All around me I feel the walls dissolving and the light that is revealed is blindingly bright. My eyes scream and cry out for relief; a little nighttime shade. They are the highway to my heart, and with that comes great responsibility. One that has an innate and instinctual sense of protection, and they are failing. What is being revealed all around me I want to escape. No person or place has taken away the anxiety, and I know they can't. Only my Father can, but shamefully I must say that I don't know where to begin to surrender when it comes to the current state of my heart. I have never dealt with this struggle of release before, so I find much guilt in that fact that yes, I am afraid.
Even as I write this, I feel the nakedness of my spirit being called upon. The fear I am experiencing , I suppose, is more the reason to bathe myself in His light of rescue... for all mine has accomplished is that of burned flesh.
"Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light."
-Dylan Thomas
~So much love, J
I can't shake this feeling that God is relentlessly trying to show me something specific. No matter where I run (yes,I have tried), He keeps the picture right in front of my face, only I can't figure out the image. It is like one of those pictures therapists show you, ya know, " what does this look like to you." It has no right or wrong answer, but I feel like this picture does. It is an unwaivering riddle of imagery that will not give up.
All around me I feel the walls dissolving and the light that is revealed is blindingly bright. My eyes scream and cry out for relief; a little nighttime shade. They are the highway to my heart, and with that comes great responsibility. One that has an innate and instinctual sense of protection, and they are failing. What is being revealed all around me I want to escape. No person or place has taken away the anxiety, and I know they can't. Only my Father can, but shamefully I must say that I don't know where to begin to surrender when it comes to the current state of my heart. I have never dealt with this struggle of release before, so I find much guilt in that fact that yes, I am afraid.
Even as I write this, I feel the nakedness of my spirit being called upon. The fear I am experiencing , I suppose, is more the reason to bathe myself in His light of rescue... for all mine has accomplished is that of burned flesh.
"Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light."
-Dylan Thomas
~So much love, J
For You...l'oiseau chanteur
You are the other half of me, relentless in your quest for destruction
I am not sure why this has to be done, and yet I still cling to an unwaivering faith
One that believes in the power of change
One that hopes for movement away from this feeling
A feeling that leaves me helpless, lost, and overwhelmingly alone
You are my light and my future; my greatest cause of pain
I have felt the fear you can cause, the abuse you give birth to, the damage you delight in
I am your muse of mockery, I am what you love to hate, I reflect all that suffocates your happiness
The disdain that drips from your every word is the only true love I know
I stand here now, trying to let go of my greatest addiction...one that will live on to plague my spirit and soul
So stay far away me, for I remain imprisoned by my past and toxic to my future.
~I have had many questions about this, so I will now give explaination...This is my way of moving forward and dissolving a part of my life's puzzle. It is apart of my quest for forgiveness and healing. It stems from my desire to move forward carrying a lighter load. It concludes as a way of holding myself accountable for my future and joy, free from blame and excuse.
... this is For You...
After much thought I have gained perspective and recognize when things need to end. That some things are for a season. That true love and pursuit of it are known by both parties and felt in the soul of each player. I now see clearly when to accept the verdict of the present time, and to not be disillusioned by the wordiness of the wordsmith. If something is true there will be no doubt, as I do not believe God tells two people two different things. Personal Forgiveness of the foolishness you feel is the only anesthetic needed to resurrect your spirit.
Listen to the lyrics of the songbird... it is performing the only melody you need to know, and that truth will send you flying into peaceful rhythm.
~Love and Prayers
I am not sure why this has to be done, and yet I still cling to an unwaivering faith
One that believes in the power of change
One that hopes for movement away from this feeling
A feeling that leaves me helpless, lost, and overwhelmingly alone
You are my light and my future; my greatest cause of pain
I have felt the fear you can cause, the abuse you give birth to, the damage you delight in
I am your muse of mockery, I am what you love to hate, I reflect all that suffocates your happiness
The disdain that drips from your every word is the only true love I know
I stand here now, trying to let go of my greatest addiction...one that will live on to plague my spirit and soul
So stay far away me, for I remain imprisoned by my past and toxic to my future.
~I have had many questions about this, so I will now give explaination...This is my way of moving forward and dissolving a part of my life's puzzle. It is apart of my quest for forgiveness and healing. It stems from my desire to move forward carrying a lighter load. It concludes as a way of holding myself accountable for my future and joy, free from blame and excuse.
... this is For You...
After much thought I have gained perspective and recognize when things need to end. That some things are for a season. That true love and pursuit of it are known by both parties and felt in the soul of each player. I now see clearly when to accept the verdict of the present time, and to not be disillusioned by the wordiness of the wordsmith. If something is true there will be no doubt, as I do not believe God tells two people two different things. Personal Forgiveness of the foolishness you feel is the only anesthetic needed to resurrect your spirit.
Listen to the lyrics of the songbird... it is performing the only melody you need to know, and that truth will send you flying into peaceful rhythm.
~Love and Prayers
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