Boy, am I hard on myself....
I have been gone for a while from this post and while I will say that I am so glad to have these entries to reflect back on, I will also say that I am WAY to tough on myself. So much (not all) of what I have written is so perfection-seeking and sounds more like verbal drill-seargant school than anything. I can't be THAT bad and THAT confused by life. I should give my Father a LITTLE MORE credit than that, I think.
No more.
I am so not saying that I am not still growing, not still learning and not still screwing up. However, I will say that I plan on taking this blog in a little different direction. One that is less focused on what a situation has taught me in simple words, and more of a showing of that teaching through the picture my words, opinions and other prose' draw and articulate.
Hold tight for life in ACTION. NOT just discussion.
(You may notice a new design to this blog soon; I am trying some different HTML thangs out!)
Jess
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
"Oh Captain, My Captain."
I was sitting in my boss's office earlier this morning watching a movie....you heard it right; a movie. To our defense, however, it was research for our " At the Movies" series. So ya, there we were watching clips of the maginificant and classic "Dead Poets Society." If you have not seen this movie, it is a MUST. For us english nerds, it is one of the great inspirations of our chosen passion.
As the movie rolled, the climactic part beagn... The part in which all of the the teacher's students ( all male, as it is an all boys school) stand on their desks and recite the phrase to him, " Oh Captain, My Captain." I got chills. To take a writers words and offer it to someone as a gift of endearment is truly a remarkable way of romancing, and is very personal...And that is what they were doing, giving their teacher a huge gift of respect and heart.
I once gave someone a book of poetry, and inside of it was a stanza from my favorite poem by Dylan Thomas, " Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, Rage against the dying of the light." To other readers this may mean nothing, but to me it opens up colors and artistry that meld and manifest into my soul, creating a sense of ownership and security. To have written this in the gift I gave was nothing less than an offer of my heart and soul, and thus proves my idea of owning anothers words and how powerful it is to offer them as gifts.
It is so important that we open our hearts and minds up to the great literature and words of those before us, and bring them into this world. I promise, they will enrich your life, paradigm and vocabulary far more than what Lil' Wayne can offer...."OHHHKAAAY!"
-Just sayin'
As the movie rolled, the climactic part beagn... The part in which all of the the teacher's students ( all male, as it is an all boys school) stand on their desks and recite the phrase to him, " Oh Captain, My Captain." I got chills. To take a writers words and offer it to someone as a gift of endearment is truly a remarkable way of romancing, and is very personal...And that is what they were doing, giving their teacher a huge gift of respect and heart.
I once gave someone a book of poetry, and inside of it was a stanza from my favorite poem by Dylan Thomas, " Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, Rage against the dying of the light." To other readers this may mean nothing, but to me it opens up colors and artistry that meld and manifest into my soul, creating a sense of ownership and security. To have written this in the gift I gave was nothing less than an offer of my heart and soul, and thus proves my idea of owning anothers words and how powerful it is to offer them as gifts.
It is so important that we open our hearts and minds up to the great literature and words of those before us, and bring them into this world. I promise, they will enrich your life, paradigm and vocabulary far more than what Lil' Wayne can offer...."OHHHKAAAY!"
-Just sayin'
Monday, August 18, 2008
MY SPEECH BUBBLE...
I recently bought a c.d. (yes, this still happens in 2008) by an artist named Duffy. She is somewhat new and most known for her song, "Mercy." The album proved to be not only a respectable throwback to the vinyl and velvety ( I hope that is a word) 50's and 60's era, but also offered me an opportunity to relate and reflect...
I felt this the most while listening to track 10, "Distant Dreamer." As the lyrics played, " ...I'm wondering about my destiny. I am think about all the things I'd like to do in my life...I'm a DREAMER, a distant DREAMER..." Suddenly I began to develope that jaw-tightening and egg-like lump that rests in your throat during intense moments of happy emotion. These lyrics got my wheels turning and instantly it all became clear to me, as a wave of hope and excitement drowned my soul. My speech bubble might have looked a little like this..."I have the whole world to play in and and exciting future that is more thrilling than any moment of frustration or stagnation I may feel. " I felt light and drew a smile...:)
I say all of this as more of a "thought-blurb" than to offer Pascal-esque insight...telling of this "light bulb" moment is only meant to offer something relational to whoever reads this. That you too can be a "distant dreamer" no matter how stuck in the sand or different you may feel:)
Thanks for sitting in my randomness with me for a bit...-J
I felt this the most while listening to track 10, "Distant Dreamer." As the lyrics played, " ...I'm wondering about my destiny. I am think about all the things I'd like to do in my life...I'm a DREAMER, a distant DREAMER..." Suddenly I began to develope that jaw-tightening and egg-like lump that rests in your throat during intense moments of happy emotion. These lyrics got my wheels turning and instantly it all became clear to me, as a wave of hope and excitement drowned my soul. My speech bubble might have looked a little like this..."I have the whole world to play in and and exciting future that is more thrilling than any moment of frustration or stagnation I may feel. " I felt light and drew a smile...:)
I say all of this as more of a "thought-blurb" than to offer Pascal-esque insight...telling of this "light bulb" moment is only meant to offer something relational to whoever reads this. That you too can be a "distant dreamer" no matter how stuck in the sand or different you may feel:)
Thanks for sitting in my randomness with me for a bit...-J
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
My Acorns
It has been a while since I have blogged on this thing, and due to the fact that I have decided to get rid of myspace, I feel that now is as good a time as any to start blogging more regularly.
ALOT has gone on in my life recently. Not only have I decided to regress to my first major, English-Literature, have found my new apartment, have gained a degree minor and have learned that my dad is getting married in September, I have also decided to nuture some neglected relationships in my life....
Last night I went and stayed with my grandma, cousin and aunt in Katy due to the "tropical storm. " More like a sprinkle of precipitation that just so happened to form in a somewhat tropical place that experienced one lightening bolt. Nonetheless, I went to stay with them. It was a very fun evening and was marked as one of many days that we have spent together recently. Since my parents have left, I have somewhat isolated myself from a few important people in my life and it has been so nice to reconnect with my family and to get to have this, what is now weekly, quality time together. I enjoy the conection I feel to family, and it is awesome to have those moments where I remember times with them as a little girl, and can't believe how much time has passed.
While I have been so resistant to change and have been too stubborn to ask people for help or for some quality time, this is an example of how breaking down those walls can bless your life.
I recognized this the most this morning while I was sitting in the recliner next to my grandma, drinking coffee with her and having the same feeling I did every morning with my mom. What can I say, I guess the acorn never really does fall too far, you just have to care enough to look for it.
ALOT has gone on in my life recently. Not only have I decided to regress to my first major, English-Literature, have found my new apartment, have gained a degree minor and have learned that my dad is getting married in September, I have also decided to nuture some neglected relationships in my life....
Last night I went and stayed with my grandma, cousin and aunt in Katy due to the "tropical storm. " More like a sprinkle of precipitation that just so happened to form in a somewhat tropical place that experienced one lightening bolt. Nonetheless, I went to stay with them. It was a very fun evening and was marked as one of many days that we have spent together recently. Since my parents have left, I have somewhat isolated myself from a few important people in my life and it has been so nice to reconnect with my family and to get to have this, what is now weekly, quality time together. I enjoy the conection I feel to family, and it is awesome to have those moments where I remember times with them as a little girl, and can't believe how much time has passed.
While I have been so resistant to change and have been too stubborn to ask people for help or for some quality time, this is an example of how breaking down those walls can bless your life.
I recognized this the most this morning while I was sitting in the recliner next to my grandma, drinking coffee with her and having the same feeling I did every morning with my mom. What can I say, I guess the acorn never really does fall too far, you just have to care enough to look for it.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
The Biggest Bite I Can Chew!
" I wish I had the opportunity to be arrogant or think that I am perfect, but I am humbled on a daily basis; I never get the chance. I have fallen UP the stairs twice this week!"
....words I spoke to a friend a while back as a response to their preconceived opinion of me...and believe me, this is SO true.
I bring this up due to a recent humbling experience I had. It is known that I work in ministry, and due to this it has been assumed that I am perfect, a theologian, grew up a Christian and that I have the ability to answer any religious question and can qoute anything from the bible....Oh, how untrue this is.
I was hanging out with two friends the other night and, as is typical, the conversation turned to philosphy, religion and other things too thought provoking for eleven o' clock on a Sunday night. Nonetheless, we began to speak of our faith and give our knowledge and opinions on the subject...I, someone who did not go to bible college, did not become a Christian until my pre-teen years and have strayed away from my "walk", was having this conversation with a bible- college attendee and a person who grew up a conseravative baptist....(gulp).
Soon they began to speak of relious philosophy and doctrine, many things I had never heard of before and had no idea about. I was greatly intrigued and thirsty to hear more, but in hybrid so very aware of my lack of knowledge in these areas, areas that are relevant to the field in which I WORK! I had that, "What the crap am I doing?!" thought, for sure. (curious about Prince, boxing or proper vocabulary/punctuation and I am your girl)
So ya, I felt in over my head.
Have you ever had this feeling, a feeling of being so out of your league that if you were to reveal your true identity people would point, laugh and call you a fraud?
I am all to familiar.
(Diclaimer: No one has ever made me feel this way, or treated me as beneath them due to my historical reality. No, this would be a feeling from the unrighteous enemy, the one out for my demise.)
I say all of this as a way of being relational and real. I know that, on paper, I am not the best person for the jobI do. I know that I often feel like a new Christian, and that I do not have the experiences of anything close to a conservative baptist, bible scholar who is on the praise and worship team. (Dislcaimer: this is not a bad thing if you are, I am just not. Trust me, your ears are thanking you and I think these are some of the most brilliant people I know.)
The learning curve is SO against me...
Or, is it?
For some reason God has chosen me to do what I do and He knows that I am capable. For some reason people believe in me despite my resume, and given that, I refuse to let the swell of the waves of inadequecy to take me under.
I have to remember that I was CHOSEN at this time and in His divine plan for my life, to minister and speak of my truth in faith and life to other people; He has asked me to talk about His life (double-gulp).
I am not perfect or the most knowledgable, but I have the heart for Him and His word, as well as the desire for knowledge. Thus I know that I am right where I am suppossed to be no matter how incapable I may feel at times.
So, If you are someone feeling like you have bitten of more than you can chew, then you probaly did, and keep chewing...All I can think is, He gave us molars for a reason:)
....words I spoke to a friend a while back as a response to their preconceived opinion of me...and believe me, this is SO true.
I bring this up due to a recent humbling experience I had. It is known that I work in ministry, and due to this it has been assumed that I am perfect, a theologian, grew up a Christian and that I have the ability to answer any religious question and can qoute anything from the bible....Oh, how untrue this is.
I was hanging out with two friends the other night and, as is typical, the conversation turned to philosphy, religion and other things too thought provoking for eleven o' clock on a Sunday night. Nonetheless, we began to speak of our faith and give our knowledge and opinions on the subject...I, someone who did not go to bible college, did not become a Christian until my pre-teen years and have strayed away from my "walk", was having this conversation with a bible- college attendee and a person who grew up a conseravative baptist....(gulp).
Soon they began to speak of relious philosophy and doctrine, many things I had never heard of before and had no idea about. I was greatly intrigued and thirsty to hear more, but in hybrid so very aware of my lack of knowledge in these areas, areas that are relevant to the field in which I WORK! I had that, "What the crap am I doing?!" thought, for sure. (curious about Prince, boxing or proper vocabulary/punctuation and I am your girl)
So ya, I felt in over my head.
Have you ever had this feeling, a feeling of being so out of your league that if you were to reveal your true identity people would point, laugh and call you a fraud?
I am all to familiar.
(Diclaimer: No one has ever made me feel this way, or treated me as beneath them due to my historical reality. No, this would be a feeling from the unrighteous enemy, the one out for my demise.)
I say all of this as a way of being relational and real. I know that, on paper, I am not the best person for the jobI do. I know that I often feel like a new Christian, and that I do not have the experiences of anything close to a conservative baptist, bible scholar who is on the praise and worship team. (Dislcaimer: this is not a bad thing if you are, I am just not. Trust me, your ears are thanking you and I think these are some of the most brilliant people I know.)
The learning curve is SO against me...
Or, is it?
For some reason God has chosen me to do what I do and He knows that I am capable. For some reason people believe in me despite my resume, and given that, I refuse to let the swell of the waves of inadequecy to take me under.
I have to remember that I was CHOSEN at this time and in His divine plan for my life, to minister and speak of my truth in faith and life to other people; He has asked me to talk about His life (double-gulp).
I am not perfect or the most knowledgable, but I have the heart for Him and His word, as well as the desire for knowledge. Thus I know that I am right where I am suppossed to be no matter how incapable I may feel at times.
So, If you are someone feeling like you have bitten of more than you can chew, then you probaly did, and keep chewing...All I can think is, He gave us molars for a reason:)
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Stagnation VS. Progress
Stagnation sucks the life right out of me. It is the ABSOLUTELY most, tired, obnoxious, ignorant, and well, life sucking place to be stuck in. To be standing still on this earth and to be content with the ordinary of mind, a mundane existence, and a soul-searching status-quo is something that makes my skin crawl.
And, it was once my mantra...this I only recently became aware of.
Lately, well I guess in the last few months, I have seen where I have allowed myself to be content and accepting of so many things about myself and my life; none of these things do I think are good, I might add. I have seen where I have marinated in heartache. Where I have spent a shameful amount of time re-living my past; trying to make sense of it. I have seen myself wanting so badly to move forward, just to find myself 3 steps back in the wrong direction.
My mind....it has been dangerous.
This has previously been my weapon of choice. It has been my downfall and has allowed the enemy to invade so freely. It has confused me and kept me out of reality, so unaware of my blessings...almost, frustrated with God and my lack of understanding about my life. But why now? Where has this clarity from God come from?
I have been struggling with this answer for a few weeks now, and I think I am scratching the surface on the answer's great reveal....
My leg has been cut off, yes, that's it. My leg is missing. God helped me segregate it from my body.
This "leg" analogy was said to me by someone a while back, and although it was used in regard to one particular aspect of my life, I feel it applies to many of them.
Let me go back for a second....9 months ago my life, well, lets just say it was about as opposite as it could possibly be from it's current status. Given this, I must be honest in saying that the past 9 months have felt like "the deconstruction and rebuilding of Jessica." Never in my life (all 21 years of it) have so many things changed and been pulled out from under me in a given, and sequential, period of time.
In 9 months:
I have LOST tradition, security, relationships, friendships, housing, jobs, identity, self-respect and ideas.
I have GAINED tradition, security, relationships, friendships, housing, jobs, identity, self-respect and ideas.
My general paradigm of life, and my role in it, has been ROCKED to the core.
Now, I recognize that everyone goes through these kinds of changes in life. I assert that I am not alone and that I shall win no prize for hard-times. Nor, do I think I should. What I am expressing is, in essence, my belief in the idea that stagnation will manifest into the decay of the human spirit. I am also expressing my newfound joy and vulnerability to this idea of a severed leg. Though, it DID hurt at first.
My life has been turned upside down, yes... and I do not want it rewind in any way. I have seen evidence of my faith, in that God always has something better for you waiting on the other side( I would advise not saying this to someone when they are ripe in their moment crisis and/or panic. Unless of course , you have a desire to get hit in the face). He has shown me how out of control I really am, and how arrogant and ignorant I have been to think that I can dictate His will. I have been shown the season's of relationships. I have had stare-downs with my self-value and self-worth. I have had to re-evaluate what behaviors I accept, from myself and others....and praise be to Him, I am still learning.
So when I think about my missing leg all I can say is, "Farewell!" I can truly say that life without it has been richer, harder, more full, more broken, stronger, weaker, heartbroken, healed, questioned and certain. Life without that ol' leg of mine has been AUTHENTIC, TRUE and PASSIONATE. I prefer all of the pain that comes with being de-activated from the "coast" setting, to the ignorant bliss I thought I had from my normal 50 mph.
My leg...well, I miss it not.
Progress:1 Stagnation:0
Matthew 18:7-9
7"Woe to the world because of the things that cause people to sin! Such things must come, but woe to the man through whom they come! 8If your hand or your foot causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life maimed or crippled than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown into eternal fire. 9And if your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into the fire of hell.
And, it was once my mantra...this I only recently became aware of.
Lately, well I guess in the last few months, I have seen where I have allowed myself to be content and accepting of so many things about myself and my life; none of these things do I think are good, I might add. I have seen where I have marinated in heartache. Where I have spent a shameful amount of time re-living my past; trying to make sense of it. I have seen myself wanting so badly to move forward, just to find myself 3 steps back in the wrong direction.
My mind....it has been dangerous.
This has previously been my weapon of choice. It has been my downfall and has allowed the enemy to invade so freely. It has confused me and kept me out of reality, so unaware of my blessings...almost, frustrated with God and my lack of understanding about my life. But why now? Where has this clarity from God come from?
I have been struggling with this answer for a few weeks now, and I think I am scratching the surface on the answer's great reveal....
My leg has been cut off, yes, that's it. My leg is missing. God helped me segregate it from my body.
This "leg" analogy was said to me by someone a while back, and although it was used in regard to one particular aspect of my life, I feel it applies to many of them.
Let me go back for a second....9 months ago my life, well, lets just say it was about as opposite as it could possibly be from it's current status. Given this, I must be honest in saying that the past 9 months have felt like "the deconstruction and rebuilding of Jessica." Never in my life (all 21 years of it) have so many things changed and been pulled out from under me in a given, and sequential, period of time.
In 9 months:
I have LOST tradition, security, relationships, friendships, housing, jobs, identity, self-respect and ideas.
I have GAINED tradition, security, relationships, friendships, housing, jobs, identity, self-respect and ideas.
My general paradigm of life, and my role in it, has been ROCKED to the core.
Now, I recognize that everyone goes through these kinds of changes in life. I assert that I am not alone and that I shall win no prize for hard-times. Nor, do I think I should. What I am expressing is, in essence, my belief in the idea that stagnation will manifest into the decay of the human spirit. I am also expressing my newfound joy and vulnerability to this idea of a severed leg. Though, it DID hurt at first.
My life has been turned upside down, yes... and I do not want it rewind in any way. I have seen evidence of my faith, in that God always has something better for you waiting on the other side( I would advise not saying this to someone when they are ripe in their moment crisis and/or panic. Unless of course , you have a desire to get hit in the face). He has shown me how out of control I really am, and how arrogant and ignorant I have been to think that I can dictate His will. I have been shown the season's of relationships. I have had stare-downs with my self-value and self-worth. I have had to re-evaluate what behaviors I accept, from myself and others....and praise be to Him, I am still learning.
So when I think about my missing leg all I can say is, "Farewell!" I can truly say that life without it has been richer, harder, more full, more broken, stronger, weaker, heartbroken, healed, questioned and certain. Life without that ol' leg of mine has been AUTHENTIC, TRUE and PASSIONATE. I prefer all of the pain that comes with being de-activated from the "coast" setting, to the ignorant bliss I thought I had from my normal 50 mph.
My leg...well, I miss it not.
Progress:1 Stagnation:0
Matthew 18:7-9
7"Woe to the world because of the things that cause people to sin! Such things must come, but woe to the man through whom they come! 8If your hand or your foot causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life maimed or crippled than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown into eternal fire. 9And if your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into the fire of hell.
MORE PLEASE!
This has to CHANGE...we are not isolated unto ourselves and our (very) little world of Sugar Land...Houston...Texas... THE UNITED STATES. So many things have occured in my life in recent months, making me realize this concept and grow with disgust of our consumption, mindsets, and general selfishness as an American culture.
When you realize that 1.2B people in the world live on less than one dollar a day, and American’s will spend $5 dollars a day on our venti-nonfat-no whip-sugar free- vanilla latte from Starbucks, it is easy to realize where my suffocation with our habits has formed from. First of all, lets make it clear; I love my country, I love a splurge every once and a while...and I also see the error of my often overly consuming and selfish ways.
I came back from Piedras Negras, Mexico a couple of weeks ago, and I have never felt more convicted of my habits. To be in a country having so much less than we do in a material sense, yet having so much more than we in every other way, is truly humbling. During my time in Mexico I noticed a sense of community, a sense of family, gratefulness for sheer neccesities met, giving spirits and a sense of unjaded vulnerablilty in interaction I’ve never experienced before...even within my own family at times.
All of this was a shock to my system seeing as I have NEVER been outside of my own comfort zone. Suddenly, "stuff" just didn’t seem that important. I asked myself, "Why do I need to go shopping for clothes once a week? Do I really need to drive that much? Why I am questing for MORE money all of the time?" Then I realized, "Oh yeah, I am American. It is our culture." Shame on us. We work so hard for empty items, stress so much, and don’t share our blessings with the less fortunate, enough.
We need to gain information, go out and search, open our minds, give of ourselves more. Our world can not keep on this path. A path filled with trying to gain more for only ourselves and our country; yet regarding the rest of the world and all the rest of GOD’s people with little care or concern. We must stop with phrases like, " If they don’t like it, they can go back to their country!" And honestly, I if I see one more rebel flag bumper sticker on a car , I will surely FREAK out!
This is not what it is about...isolation, pride beyond grace, prejudices, self-serving attitudes or having MORE. This life is about simplicity in CHRIST,a desire to live for HIM, shared blessings, tolerance and a love for others beyond politics or income. Do not be guilded in this world. For none of us are beyond, poverty, pain, lack of faith or suffering. Slow down, breathe, quit working so hard for hollow things...I will take my own advice.
J
Check out this video...a little intense, but should be seen:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=PTc_FoELt8s
When you realize that 1.2B people in the world live on less than one dollar a day, and American’s will spend $5 dollars a day on our venti-nonfat-no whip-sugar free- vanilla latte from Starbucks, it is easy to realize where my suffocation with our habits has formed from. First of all, lets make it clear; I love my country, I love a splurge every once and a while...and I also see the error of my often overly consuming and selfish ways.
I came back from Piedras Negras, Mexico a couple of weeks ago, and I have never felt more convicted of my habits. To be in a country having so much less than we do in a material sense, yet having so much more than we in every other way, is truly humbling. During my time in Mexico I noticed a sense of community, a sense of family, gratefulness for sheer neccesities met, giving spirits and a sense of unjaded vulnerablilty in interaction I’ve never experienced before...even within my own family at times.
All of this was a shock to my system seeing as I have NEVER been outside of my own comfort zone. Suddenly, "stuff" just didn’t seem that important. I asked myself, "Why do I need to go shopping for clothes once a week? Do I really need to drive that much? Why I am questing for MORE money all of the time?" Then I realized, "Oh yeah, I am American. It is our culture." Shame on us. We work so hard for empty items, stress so much, and don’t share our blessings with the less fortunate, enough.
We need to gain information, go out and search, open our minds, give of ourselves more. Our world can not keep on this path. A path filled with trying to gain more for only ourselves and our country; yet regarding the rest of the world and all the rest of GOD’s people with little care or concern. We must stop with phrases like, " If they don’t like it, they can go back to their country!" And honestly, I if I see one more rebel flag bumper sticker on a car , I will surely FREAK out!
This is not what it is about...isolation, pride beyond grace, prejudices, self-serving attitudes or having MORE. This life is about simplicity in CHRIST,a desire to live for HIM, shared blessings, tolerance and a love for others beyond politics or income. Do not be guilded in this world. For none of us are beyond, poverty, pain, lack of faith or suffering. Slow down, breathe, quit working so hard for hollow things...I will take my own advice.
J
Check out this video...a little intense, but should be seen:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=PTc_FoELt8s
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