Heaven.

Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent. - John 17: 3


It is on nights like this, when the wind is cold and crisp and the air smells strangely of the universal childhood, that I cannot be anything but restless......

It is on nights like this, when I lay in bed typing away, feeling like my queen size bed is its own island and to travel from one side to the other would only further isolate and exhaust, that my heart grows anxious.

I think that we all have times of life when things are going very well and there is much to look forward to, yet we feel alone and antsy. When our happiness plays tug-of-war with our natural instincts, intincts that harldy ever cause one to be open, extroverted and optimistic.

Sometimes I can't help but shake a certain feeling, one that alway turns my eyes to the sky, and one that longs for rescue from this world . When this happens, my eyes pull upward, as if magnetically drawn to the dwelling place of my Father.

I look around at what we all do to eachother and ourselves and the state of this world, and can't help but desire a day when we are taken to our eternity and are FINALLY at peace. I am hopeful of a time where we will rest with the ones we have lost, have our "why?" questions answered and understand what all of our heartache and joy was for. This may seem like an extreme thought, but it holds my restlessness often and I can't lie about that.

In the words of my new friend, Oswald Chambers, "Life without war is impossible either in nature or in grace. The basis of physical, mental, moral, and spiritual life is antagonism. This is the open fact of life."

...and you ask why I could possibly long for this day; the day of rescue?

We are given life to be joyful in, to learn from and to store up many treasures for our eternity. However, I know that none of my happiness on earth will be close to that of in Heaven and I peacefully rest in that; seeing the pain of this world, how can I not? Knowing we live a life of war, it is not possible to believe otherwise.

Until this time all we can do, I assume, is focus our energies precisely, try to live a life of conviction and love, and remember these words in our times of trouble and lack of understanding..." Be good cheer, I have overcome the world." I will take heart in this... and always with my eyes turned upward.

A Different Kind of Resolution

In 1 day, 3 hours and 46 mintues it will officially be 2009...

In this same amount of time people all over the world will be celebrating, spending time with friends and family and reminiscing on the memories of 2008. This turning of the year also represents many resolutions that will be made and even more that will quickly end January 2nd...please don't be offended, you know it's true:)

As I look back on this year, it is astounding to me all of the changes that have occured in my life and all of the growing I did. There have been many adjustments made, some loss, new relationships, old one's nurtured and grown, chapters closed and begun... and all of this just makes me ask the question," What in the heck is coming in 2009??!" The beautiful part is , however, the mystery and hope that rests in the NOT knowing... January 1st marks a peaceful place of inspiration and renewal that is somewhat child-like. The innocent way in which we embrace and open the door of a new year, despite anything that has occured in the last 365 days, is an inspiring moment of faith.

My prayer for this new year is one filled with grace, mercy and that child-like faith that does not walk in the shadows of the past or in fear of the future. Rather, that we are able to be the "church" to one another, and that we offer the fruits of the spirit with unconditional love and faith-filled expectancy.

MUCH LOVE AND MANY BLESSINGS IN THE NEW YEAR...

"When we see eachother or are apart, there is expectancy of being together, of laughing and talking. That expectancy has no concrete definition; it is alive and dynamic and everything that emerges from our being together is a unique gift shared by no one else. " - The ShackBy: William P. Young

LIFE IN ACTION

Boy, am I hard on myself....

I have been gone for a while from this post and while I will say that I am so glad to have these entries to reflect back on, I will also say that I am WAY to tough on myself. So much (not all) of what I have written is so perfection-seeking and sounds more like verbal drill-seargant school than anything. I can't be THAT bad and THAT confused by life. I should give my Father a LITTLE MORE credit than that, I think.

No more.

I am so not saying that I am not still growing, not still learning and not still screwing up. However, I will say that I plan on taking this blog in a little different direction. One that is less focused on what a situation has taught me in simple words, and more of a showing of that teaching through the picture my words, opinions and other prose' draw and articulate.

Hold tight for life in ACTION. NOT just discussion.

(You may notice a new design to this blog soon; I am trying some different HTML thangs out!)


Jess

"Oh Captain, My Captain."

I was sitting in my boss's office earlier this morning watching a movie....you heard it right; a movie. To our defense, however, it was research for our " At the Movies" series. So ya, there we were watching clips of the maginificant and classic "Dead Poets Society." If you have not seen this movie, it is a MUST. For us english nerds, it is one of the great inspirations of our chosen passion.

As the movie rolled, the climactic part beagn... The part in which all of the the teacher's students ( all male, as it is an all boys school) stand on their desks and recite the phrase to him, " Oh Captain, My Captain." I got chills. To take a writers words and offer it to someone as a gift of endearment is truly a remarkable way of romancing, and is very personal...And that is what they were doing, giving their teacher a huge gift of respect and heart.

I once gave someone a book of poetry, and inside of it was a stanza from my favorite poem by Dylan Thomas, " Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, Rage against the dying of the light." To other readers this may mean nothing, but to me it opens up colors and artistry that meld and manifest into my soul, creating a sense of ownership and security. To have written this in the gift I gave was nothing less than an offer of my heart and soul, and thus proves my idea of owning anothers words and how powerful it is to offer them as gifts.

It is so important that we open our hearts and minds up to the great literature and words of those before us, and bring them into this world. I promise, they will enrich your life, paradigm and vocabulary far more than what Lil' Wayne can offer...."OHHHKAAAY!"

-Just sayin'

MY SPEECH BUBBLE...

I recently bought a c.d. (yes, this still happens in 2008) by an artist named Duffy. She is somewhat new and most known for her song, "Mercy." The album proved to be not only a respectable throwback to the vinyl and velvety ( I hope that is a word) 50's and 60's era, but also offered me an opportunity to relate and reflect...

I felt this the most while listening to track 10, "Distant Dreamer." As the lyrics played, " ...I'm wondering about my destiny. I am think about all the things I'd like to do in my life...I'm a DREAMER, a distant DREAMER..." Suddenly I began to develope that jaw-tightening and egg-like lump that rests in your throat during intense moments of happy emotion. These lyrics got my wheels turning and instantly it all became clear to me, as a wave of hope and excitement drowned my soul. My speech bubble might have looked a little like this..."I have the whole world to play in and and exciting future that is more thrilling than any moment of frustration or stagnation I may feel. " I felt light and drew a smile...:)

I say all of this as more of a "thought-blurb" than to offer Pascal-esque insight...telling of this "light bulb" moment is only meant to offer something relational to whoever reads this. That you too can be a "distant dreamer" no matter how stuck in the sand or different you may feel:)

Thanks for sitting in my randomness with me for a bit...-J

My Acorns

It has been a while since I have blogged on this thing, and due to the fact that I have decided to get rid of myspace, I feel that now is as good a time as any to start blogging more regularly.

ALOT has gone on in my life recently. Not only have I decided to regress to my first major, English-Literature, have found my new apartment, have gained a degree minor and have learned that my dad is getting married in September, I have also decided to nuture some neglected relationships in my life....

Last night I went and stayed with my grandma, cousin and aunt in Katy due to the "tropical storm. " More like a sprinkle of precipitation that just so happened to form in a somewhat tropical place that experienced one lightening bolt. Nonetheless, I went to stay with them. It was a very fun evening and was marked as one of many days that we have spent together recently. Since my parents have left, I have somewhat isolated myself from a few important people in my life and it has been so nice to reconnect with my family and to get to have this, what is now weekly, quality time together. I enjoy the conection I feel to family, and it is awesome to have those moments where I remember times with them as a little girl, and can't believe how much time has passed.

While I have been so resistant to change and have been too stubborn to ask people for help or for some quality time, this is an example of how breaking down those walls can bless your life.

I recognized this the most this morning while I was sitting in the recliner next to my grandma, drinking coffee with her and having the same feeling I did every morning with my mom. What can I say, I guess the acorn never really does fall too far, you just have to care enough to look for it.

The Biggest Bite I Can Chew!

" I wish I had the opportunity to be arrogant or think that I am perfect, but I am humbled on a daily basis; I never get the chance. I have fallen UP the stairs twice this week!"

....words I spoke to a friend a while back as a response to their preconceived opinion of me...and believe me, this is SO true.

I bring this up due to a recent humbling experience I had. It is known that I work in ministry, and due to this it has been assumed that I am perfect, a theologian, grew up a Christian and that I have the ability to answer any religious question and can qoute anything from the bible....Oh, how untrue this is.

I was hanging out with two friends the other night and, as is typical, the conversation turned to philosphy, religion and other things too thought provoking for eleven o' clock on a Sunday night. Nonetheless, we began to speak of our faith and give our knowledge and opinions on the subject...I, someone who did not go to bible college, did not become a Christian until my pre-teen years and have strayed away from my "walk", was having this conversation with a bible- college attendee and a person who grew up a conseravative baptist....(gulp).

Soon they began to speak of relious philosophy and doctrine, many things I had never heard of before and had no idea about. I was greatly intrigued and thirsty to hear more, but in hybrid so very aware of my lack of knowledge in these areas, areas that are relevant to the field in which I WORK! I had that, "What the crap am I doing?!" thought, for sure. (curious about Prince, boxing or proper vocabulary/punctuation and I am your girl)

So ya, I felt in over my head.

Have you ever had this feeling, a feeling of being so out of your league that if you were to reveal your true identity people would point, laugh and call you a fraud?

I am all to familiar.
(Diclaimer: No one has ever made me feel this way, or treated me as beneath them due to my historical reality. No, this would be a feeling from the unrighteous enemy, the one out for my demise.)

I say all of this as a way of being relational and real. I know that, on paper, I am not the best person for the jobI do. I know that I often feel like a new Christian, and that I do not have the experiences of anything close to a conservative baptist, bible scholar who is on the praise and worship team. (Dislcaimer: this is not a bad thing if you are, I am just not. Trust me, your ears are thanking you and I think these are some of the most brilliant people I know.)

The learning curve is SO against me...

Or, is it?

For some reason God has chosen me to do what I do and He knows that I am capable. For some reason people believe in me despite my resume, and given that, I refuse to let the swell of the waves of inadequecy to take me under.

I have to remember that I was CHOSEN at this time and in His divine plan for my life, to minister and speak of my truth in faith and life to other people; He has asked me to talk about His life (double-gulp).

I am not perfect or the most knowledgable, but I have the heart for Him and His word, as well as the desire for knowledge. Thus I know that I am right where I am suppossed to be no matter how incapable I may feel at times.

So, If you are someone feeling like you have bitten of more than you can chew, then you probaly did, and keep chewing...All I can think is, He gave us molars for a reason:)